Jokes

What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse! How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten tickles. How do you keep a bull from charging? Take away its credit card! What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk! What kind of socks do grizzlies wear? None, they have bare feet! Spanish Version: ¿Cuál…

A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after an 18 hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, embarrassed, she looks up at the teller and says, “Well, that’s great. Some asshole has my pen.” Spanish Version:…

A husband insisted on making love to his wife in the dark, after 10 years of making love this way. His wife one day decides to turn on the lights, and was shocked to see her husband holding a remote vibrator. She goes ballistic and yells at him. You impotent bastard, how could you lie…

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, “What happened to your ears?” He says, “Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.” The boss says, “Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”…

This morning at about 7.45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8 o’clock for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with…

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. “I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants his wish. “I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home….

A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back into a room. Soon, a Labrador walks in and sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in and stares at the Chihuahua for 10 more minutes and leaves. Finally the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and…

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce were walking down a dark scary alleyway, when a bloodthirsty vampire jumped out from behind the dumpster. The vampire attacks Travis Kelce and drains all his blood. The vampire looks back at Taylor Swift and then flees in fear. Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? Because she had BAD…

Joe Biden’s nagging wife dies suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. The funeral director says to him, “sir, it would cost about 45000 dollar if we send her home back to the states. Or 500 dollar if we bury her here in Jerusalem.” Joe Biden says, ship her home.” The funeral director says, “but sir,…

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I had some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Let’s hear the good news first.” The attorney said, “well, I met with your wife today and she…