What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse! How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten tickles. How do you keep a bull from charging? Take away its credit card! What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk! What kind of socks do grizzlies wear? None, they have bare feet! Spanish Version: ¿Cuál…
A nurse walks into a bank, exhausted after an 18 hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, embarrassed, she looks up at the teller and says, “Well, that’s great. Some asshole has my pen.” Spanish Version:…
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They’re immediately taken back into a room. Soon, a Labrador walks in and sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in and stares at the Chihuahua for 10 more minutes and leaves. Finally the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and…
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce were walking down a dark scary alleyway, when a bloodthirsty vampire jumped out from behind the dumpster. The vampire attacks Travis Kelce and drains all his blood. The vampire looks back at Taylor Swift and then flees in fear. Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift? Because she had BAD…
Dr. Octavius was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of Dr. Octavius’s truck and said, “Why are these Madagascar penguins in your truck?” Dr. Octavius replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The…
A man was sitting on the back porch with his wife when suddenly, he blurted out, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” She asked. Neither, he replied. “It’s me. Talking to my beer.” Spanish Version: Un hombre estaba sentado en el porche trasero con su esposa cuando, de repente, soltó: “Te…
Mel Gibson stumbles into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!” The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while. And after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused. And asks…
A businessman walked into the office and found Leonardo da Vinci painting the walls in the conference room. Da Vinci was clearly sweating a lot as he was wearing two heavy jackets on this hot summer day. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked Leonardo da Vinci why he was wearing two jackets…
Mr. Beast went to the doctor and patiently sat in the waiting room. After a few minutes, a nurse called him in to see the doctor. The doctor welcomed Mr. Beast and asked, How can I help you? Mr. Beast replied, “Doctor, I’m addicted to YouTube.” The doctor, looking a little confused, replied, “I’m sorry,…
An elderly couple are in church one beautiful Sunday afternoon, when the wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?” The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid.” Spanish Version: Una pareja de ancianos está en la iglesia una…
Jerry the Golden Bachelor wanted to get married. While speaking with his best friend he stated, “Every bachelorette I’ve brought home to meet my parents my mother doesn’t like.” She asks them questions like an interview. She grills them and really puts them through a test. Jerry turns to his friend and says, What should…
Offset was getting ready for bed, when he blurted out to his wife Cardi B. “Baby your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the barbecue grill.” Not wanting to start a fight, Cardi B only says “okurrrrr”. As they both get into bed, Offset starts snuggling up towards his wife, who completely brushes…
A woman walks into the local CVS pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “I need to buy some arsenic.”The pharmacist replies, “Why do you need arsenic?” The woman clearly angry says, “I need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.”What? Said the pharmacist. “You heard me. I want to kill my husband.”“Why on earth…
One morning, I got up early to play golf. I dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my golf clubs, and slipped quietly into the garage. Out of nowhere came a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 miles per hour. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather…
Dirty Little Johnny jokes around while sitting in class bored. When the teacher says to the class, the first one to answer these questions correctly can leave right now. Little Johnny knows he’s the smartest in the class, and is ready to go home and play Fortnite. The teacher asks the class who said, “I…
A nerdy son tells his father, I’m so happy, “I have a beautiful imaginary girlfriend.” The father sighs and says, “You know you could do better.” Thanks dad, the son says. “That means a lot.” The father shakes his head and says, I was talking to your beautiful girlfriend. Spanish Version: Un hijo nerd le…
What did they call Batman when he was little?Lil Wayne What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na Batman What did Batman get when he was at the store?He Got-Ham Where does Bruce Wayne get his energy to fight?Bat-teries What is Batman’s favorite beverage?Vigilan-Tea Spanish Version:…
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. When Mickey spoke to Judge Harvey about the separation Judge Harvey said “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two just because Minnie is mentally insane!” Mickey Mouse replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she is flucking Goofy!”…
Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist? Because he lost his filling. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crumb-y. What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate? S’mores Code. Where do witches bake their cookies? In a coven. Spanish Version: ¿Por qué…
What is James Bond’s secret fetish?Bond-age What kind of coffee machine does James Bond use?A Q-rig How does James Bond Sleep?Around What does James Bond do before going to sleep?He goes undercover Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?0-0-Heaven What female body part does James Bond love?Her Gold Finger Spanish Version: ¿Cuál es…
Why shouldn’t you play football in the jungle? There are too many cheet-ahs. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the football game? Because he had no body to go with. Which insect doesn’t play football very well? It’s a fumble bee. Why are football stadiums always cool? Because they are full of fans. What did…
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Scold. Scold who? Scold outside, please let me in! Spanish Version: TOC Toc. ¿Quién está ahí? Regañar. ¿Reñir a quién? Regaña afuera, ¡por favor déjame entrar! German Version: Klopf klopf. Wer ist da? Schelten. Wen schimpfen? Schimpfe draußen, bitte lass mich rein! Chinese Version: 敲，敲。 谁在那儿？ 骂。 骂谁？ 外面骂，请让我进去！
What is Spider-Man’s favorite food? French flies What did Spider-Man name his son? Arachnakid How do the Avengers call SpiderMan when he’s out of town? On his WEB-cam A Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog’s bite create? Doberman What is Spiderman’s favorite type of TV show? A web series Why is Spiderman good…
Knock knock. Who’s there? Doris. Doris who? Door is locked. That’s why I’m knocking. Spanish Version: TOC Toc. ¿Quién está ahí? Doris. ¿Doris quién? La puerta está cerrada. Por eso estoy llamando German Version: Klopf klopf. Wer ist da? Doris. Doris wer? Tür ist verschlossen. Deshalb klopfe ich an Chinese Version: 敲敲。 谁在那儿？ 多丽丝. 多丽丝是谁？…
What’s Dwayne Johnson’s favorite type of music? Rock & Roll What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson? The Wok How does The Rock pee? He Dwayne’s his Johnson Why did Dwayne Johnson study Geology in school? Because he rocks! What’s Dwayne Johnson’s favorite vacation spot? The Rocky Mountains, of course! How did Kevin Hart…
Where do quarterbacks go when they get old? Out to pass tour. I was wondering why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me. What do football players wear on Halloween? A face mask! Why didn’t the skeleton play football? His heart wasn’t in it. Spanish Version: ¿A dónde van los mariscales de campo…
What did doctors discover after Kim Kardashian had her butt x-rayed? A brain tumor! Which store do the Kardashians put most of their time and energy into? Photoshop What does Kim Kardashian and your car have in common? They both have junk in their trunks. How did Kanye West make Kim Kardashian’s eyes twinkle? He…
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Theodore. Theodore who? Theodore was locked, so I decided to knock. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Figs. Figs who? Figs the doorbell, I’ve been knocking forever! Spanish Version: TOC Toc. ¿Quién está ahí? Teodoro. ¿Teodoro quién? Theodore estaba cerrado, así que decidí llamar. TOC Toc. ¿Quién está ahí? Higos. Higos ¿quién? ¡Toca…
a young Irish boy goes off to college halfway through the semester having foolishly squandered all his money he calls home dad he says you won’t believe what modern education is developing they actually have a program here in our school that will teach our dog Jack how to read that’s amazing his father says…
In this humorous tale, we follow a frustrated wife who, after 30 years of marriage, turns to a rather unconventional solution to revitalize her husband’s interest. Join us as we dive into the amusing consequences of her daring experiment with an experimental drug, shared in this side-splitting joke. A Frustrated Wife’s Dilemma: Seeking the Doctor’s…
